Dancing the night away...

It's been a quiet couple of weeks for my liver and that's a good thing. As an alternative to hitting the pub I've seen a transvestite ballet company, a real ballet company and a few good movies.
The dance companies were a bit of departure for me. Watching dance is not really my thing as I've always been a bit puzzled by the entertainment value of it. There is no doubt that dancers are great athletes and can do amazing things with their bodies but how am I supposed to react to that? What is the difference between a dancer and a physical comedian or even a mime? They are all people using their bodies to express an emotion, wether it is love, comedy or anger makes no difference to me.

So anyway, I stared in some puzzlement at the first show I saw by The Martha Graham Company and kept thinking of Brendan Behan shouting "Up Sodomy!" at his first attendance of a ballet. There were some not too subtle left-wing political references in this show that held my attention for a bit but I wasn't particularly moved by anything I saw. I'm not saying it was bad; in fact if you like ballet it was probably great. It just wasn't my thing.

The Grandivas on the other hand were a laugh a minute. An all-male company performing Romeo and Juliet can only be good. I guess it was the comedy I liked or the fact that they were puncturing holes in the pretentiousness of the whole thing. I've always loved people who do that; check out Luther Wright and the Wrongs bluegrass version of Pink Floyd for example.

Bendydick XVI

So they elected a new Dope and one who is just as right-wing as his predecessor! What a surprise! Everyone was hopefully talking about a "Third-World" Pope, and maybe someone who actually believes that the Meek will inherit the Earth, as opposed to Ratzinger, who during the Election here in the USA last November, said that "Politicians who support a woman's right to abortion should be refused Communion". This was a dig at Kerry, who although a Catholic, supported a woman's right to choose. It was a nod to Bush despite the fact that he is NOT a Catholic. Do you think he would like to bring back chastity belts?

Why am I not surprised by this? The Vatican is not known for it's liberal bias. This to me means that it will never be led by an African, a Latino or an Asian, despite the fact that the largest Catholic populations are in these parts of the world. There is a song by the Aboriginal folk singer Kev Carmody called "Thous Shall Not Steal" that talks of white missionary's coming to Australia and has the lines:

"A racist's a contradiction
That's understood by none
Mostly their left hand hold a bible
Their right hand holds a gun"

The colonization of the Third World by missionary's and priests continues to this day. Kev Carmody talks about this too:

"They taught us
Oh Oh Black woman thou shalt not steal
Oh Oh Black man thou shalt not steal
We're gonna civilize
Your Black barbaric lives
And teach you how to kneel
But your history couldn't hide
The genocide
The hypocrisy to us was real
'cause your Jesus said
you're supposed to give the oppressed
a better deal
We say to you yes whiteman thou shalt not steal
Oh ya our land you'd better heal"

I can't see the difference between this and priests who walk around HIV ravaged counties telling people using a condom will condemn you to hell. The only hope I see for the Catholic Church now is this guy is 78 years old; maybe He'll die soon.

While all this was going on the Virgin Mary appreared in a stain under a highway in Chicago, you think she'd pick somewhere a bit more picturesque!

Tartan Week

Jesus! It's been a week since I've gotten off my arse to write anything; a "Tartan Week" to be precise!

What is a "Tartan Week"? Well it is the same length as a regular week but so much of it is spent in the pub drinking and soaking up the craic that it feels like one continuous day slightly broken up by hangovers and hair-of-the-dog pints. Everyone you meet is either a "McBlootered" or a "McYank" - McBlootered's are drunk just-off-the-boat Scots who are here for the fun, McYanks are sober "experts" on Scotland who have never set foot there in their lives. One looks like a regular guy, the other looks like a rusty shortbread tin stuffed with feathers.

I would even go so far as to suggest that if any of the McYanks found themselves walking through Falkirk after 10pm hey would most likely get the shite kicked out of them. To them Scotland is a land of misty glens filled with heather and streams of whisky, not housing schemes or Buckfast or heart attacks.

It's a strange state of mind and one that the business people who are in from Scotland trying to promote the place seem quite happy to embrace. There was a "Scottish Village" set up in Grand Central Station complete with your samples of haggis and Shooglenifty (the saving grace for this week, pictured above) fiddling away in the background. It was all a very underwhelming hard-sell of Scottish culture; mainly because it wasn't very representative of Scottish culture. What if they talked about the beautiful architecture of Glasgow and Edinburgh? What if they talked about the vibrant pub culture all over the country? What if they talked about the real (and sometimes tragic) history of Scotland - the Highland Clearances or the Sectarian Problems - or if you prefer - the advent of University education or the great inventions Scotland has bestowed on the world. There is plenty of positive things to talk about in Scotland, it's time to leave "Braveheart" behind!

The other thing that was noticeable about the McYank's was that there was a strong undercurrent of right-wing politics about the whole thing. The Klan ain't called the Klan for nothing you know! Scotland has a proud history of trade unionism, working-class struggles and lefty politics but the McYank's are nearly all white, Republicans, and in a lot of cases, wealthy.

Anyway I did meet a lot of interesting people and I've got to give credit to Professor Ted Cowan of Glasgow University's History Department who can light up any room he walks into, even when he is surrounded by Mad McYanks trying to tell him about his own subject. He is a bear of a guy but ultimately a polite man to put up with a lot of that shite. I did catch him rolling his eyes a couple of times however, oh and the trousers he brought with him left a lot to be desired!



Professor Ted Cowan of Glasgow University was recently seen acting suspicious in the Salvation Army Store near the estate of the Late Nicholas Fairbairn. When asked for comment Cowan added: "Fairbairn? Counae stand the bugger! Nice outfits though!".

April Fool's Day

The BBC emailed The Bob Marley foundation to ask for an interview. Bob Marley has been dead for 24 years. Think I am joking, read here.

I've made it through the morning without being pranked and that's a good thing! Life is enough of a prank as it is - Me being The Pinball Wizard and all that......

What Che Guevara Did Next

It was my birthday yesterday and despite my prediliction for skulling enormous amounts of alcohol on that day, we whittled it down to a movie and 2 beers, it was different and it felt good. (It'll never last; Tartan Day is 2 days away and already people are waiting at the bar for us!).

We dragged ourselves out to see Bad Education (La Mala Educacion), Almodovar's latest effort, starring Gael García Bernal who we last saw playing Che Guevara in The Motorcycle Diaries (a film I thought was great).

The plot in this movie twists and turns and touches on a lot of taboo subjects, I heartily reccommend it... unless you are the Pope then it might finish you off....

I think Bernal is going to be one of the best actors of the next generation (as long as he doesn't start doing too much Hollywood shite), I mean who goes from playing Che Guevara to putting a dress on and shoving a sleeping drunk guy's penis up your arse?

Oops! Sorry if I made you choke on your popcorn!