Taking a cab to Jesus

My cab driver last night was from Egypt and was a member of the Coptic Orthodox Church. How do I know this? Well, because I spent 20 minutes inside his cab being bombarded by a plea to accept Jesus as my saviour.

It started innocently enough, all he did was ask me if I was going to church on Christmas and I replied "No, I don't believe in God". Apparently the English to Arabic translation of this statement is "I want to believe in God, please spend the next 20 minutes telling me about the glory of Christ".

It was turning into a very loooong cab ride so I decided to start answering his questions with questions of my own: "Why are you Christian and not Muslim like most people in Egypt?". The apparent English to Arabic translation of this statement was "Tell me why you hate Muhammad", which is what he preceded to do for five more minutes. His story involved an 85 year old woman being ripped apart between two camels (honestly, I couldn't make this up if I tried) which he claimed to have witnessed, apparently she was a Christian lady and had therefore signed her own death warrant.

Now, I don't know if the story was true or not, I certainly hope not, but what he failed to understand about me was that I don't believe in Muhammad either and he could have been talking about a Nightmare on Elm Street movie for all I knew.

I started babbling the lyrics to the song "God" by John Lennon in the back seat:

I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
I don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in Mantra
I don't believe in Gita
I don't believe in Yoga
I don't believe in kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
I just believe in me
Yoko and me
And that's reality

The first lines in the song above are " God is a concept by which we measure our pain". 20 minutes in a Jersey City cab and my head was pounding. Jersey City cabs are disgusting and they are nearly always falling apart, they have defective steering and half of them don't have seat belts. Again, I wish I was making this up, but I have to say that if there is one place where I am not going to achieve a religious epiphany, it's in the back of a Jersey City Cab. The only conversion happening in this cab was the smell from the catalytic conversion. Happy Christmas y'all.

Gunning for the blind.

Apparently the State of Texas is about to pass a law that will allow blind people to hunt animals with a gun that has a laser sight. Laser sights are apparently currently banned in hunting circles as they can make an animal freeze when they spot it.

This report throws up a number of questions for me. Firstly, do we really need blind people running around with guns when we already have Dick Cheney? What kind of blind person would get pleasure out of killing something they cannot see? If you get pleasure from firing a gun then fair enough - I have heard that gun owners get turned on by a swift thump on the shoulder - but hey, surely you can fire that gun at an inanimate object. George Bush lives in Texas, fire it at him.

Secondly, if you are already in this place where you really really need to blow some poor defenseless animal's brains out, why do you care if it is moving or not? Will you feel guilty if Bambi takes the bullet sitting down? Don't worry about your karma, it has already run over your dogma. I hope you all get your laser sights and then accidentally shine them right into the pupils of the "sighted" helper.

Wake me up before you go go!

The Wee Yin likes to fight sleep as long as she can but I am getting better at calming her and making her relax and drift off into slumber without too much fuss.

Unfortunately, I am also getting better at putting her down in her bed or chair then immediately afterwards I'll sit down on the couch on the loudest noise-making baby toy you've ever heard.

This will happen to me almost everytime. The house can be spotlessly clean and I will alway check before sitting down but unbeknownst to me, lurking under one cushion will be the "Fisher-Price Klaxxon wake-the-baby-toy" and I will literally throw myself onto it in order to make the loudest possible noise!

This is followed by a wimper from the Wee Yin, she makes a face and moves her head from side to side but does not wake up. Phew!! Got away with it!!

She will only wake a minute later when I pick up the "Fisher-Price Klaxxon" without turning it off first and set the whole "Old McDonald Had A Farm" as performed by Napalm Death and the New York Symphony Orchesta off all over again.

Seriously, you cannot move in my house without sitting or standing on something that makes a noise. I have come home late at night when everyone is sleeping and all is quiet only to set off a virtual eardrum splitting symphony of "Frere Jaques", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Old McDonald" all at the same time.

The English version of "Frere Jacques" is of course:

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping?
Brother John, Brother John?
Morning bells are ringing,
morning bells are ringing
Ding Ding Dong, Ding Ding Dong.

SLEEPING? NOT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God said: "Let there be Spending".

Thank God for Walmart. Or should that be "Thank Walmart for God!". It seems that after years of politcal correctness gone mad Wallmart has decided that it is okay to call "Christmas"... well, "Christmas".

No more Happy Holidays! The war against Christmas is over. The commercialization of Christ has won and we can all be happy for it. I am thinking of starting a company that prints bumper stickers that say "What would Jesus Buy?".

Forget Hanukkah and Kwanzaa which fall around the same time and fit nicely under the "Happy Holidays" umbrella. Forget the fact that Christmas was originally a pagan holiday! Just get out and spend, spend, spend, knowing that every dollar you give to your big-box retailer will get you one step closer to eternal happiness! Rejoice!!!