Saturday, April 26, 2008

Post Pope Blues

The Pope came to town in his best space rocket hat last week. He apologized to the victims of sexual abuse by priests, he also swung by the UN and Ground Zero. This latter visit caused me a royal pain in the arse as I had to head home through Ground Zero half an hour before he showed up and got my bag searched 3 times on the way into the train station. He also swung by Yankee Stadium and gave mass to 60,000 people, all of whom could buy commerative postcards but could not give or sell their tickets away to friends or relatives as the original purchasers name was embedded in the barcode. Even Jesus couldn't sell these tickets.

My favorite moment of the week came when the front page of the New York Times had these two conflicting stories on it, it's hard to read so click on it to blow it up:




(* Thanks to my friend MCA for finding and saving this front page)

The Irony is almost painful. Evidentially the "ALL" in "All life is sacred" is slightly lost on the Supreme Court and President Shrub. Oh well, I don't know why I bother any more.

Just so I don't get accused of picking on one cult too much (the Catholics), I read with interest that the Rev Moon has passed the reins of the Moonie Church to his son. I read with even more interest that another one of his sons is involved in small arms manufacturing in Upstate New York. Yay! Praise Dad and Pass the Ammunition!!!!

The Talibangelicals are at it too, down in Florida lawmakers are debating a bill to introduce Christian license plates for cars. Pretty soon you'll be able to get a vanity plate that says "ILUVBIGTITS" and has a nice Crucifix alongside. It's nice to see that "the War On Good Taste" continues unabated .

Meanwhile in Texas authorities raided a Polygamous ranch and took over 400 children into care. Sometimes "Freedom of Religion" has its drawbacks....

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Raconteurs

His name was Brian, an Irish-American guy from South Ozone Park in Queens. Her name was Barbara and she was from Perth Australia even though she had been in New York City for a long time. They met almost twenty years ago whilst they were on jury duty together when Brian was kicked off the jury for being drunk and they went to the pub together afterwards. They've been drinking and living the life ever since.

I was just leaving the bar to go home when Brian grabbed me.

"Hey! Are you Scottish?".

"Eh.... yes I am"

"Do you know Bobby Carlyle?"

"Eh... not personally, no. But I know who he is".

"Well, let me tell you a story......"

This turns into a tale about how he met Robert Carlyle in a bar and that led to the to the fact that he is Thomas Carlyle's great great great nephew (or something like that, I'm not sure how many "great's" to put in there). This then led to a discussion about Thomas Carlyle's Sator Resartus and it's take on religion.

Now, I've never actually read Sator Resartus (though it has been on my list of things to read for a while), but I know what it is about and the general gist of it. What amazed me here was, that this guy Brian was steaming drunk, and I mean really steaming, and he was not only able to recall the story but actually quote some of it word for word. When I am steaming I can't remember my own name never mind some philosophical text written in 1833.

I turned to Barbara and asked: "How does he remember this stuff?".

She said: "I haven't got a fucking clue!".

"Hey, let me do a poem!" said Brian, now loving that he is well and truly the center of attention.

He starts reciting an Oscar Wilde poem (there's nothing like a hearing it from a drunk Irishman) which I can't even remember the name of now (I'd only had about 3 beers at this point). It went on for a good 20 stanzas and he kept stopping at end of each stanza to emphasize some line or word.

Everytime he stopped I kept interrupting because I thought he was finished. The poem went on and on. When he was finished I felt compelled to buy him a pint and he downed half of it in one go. Barbara rolls her eyes because she is obviously sick of listening to the same Oscar Wilde poem over and over again....

I'm not sure if the Robert/Thomas Carlyle connection is true (there is no mention of it online anywhere), but it was a good story. As the saying goes: "When legend becomes fact, print the legend". (Well, I thought it was an old saying but apparently it is a quote from the 1962 film "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" which just goes to prove my point).

Why am I writing about these people? Well, to be honest, I don't really know. I guess it's a rare thing when you meet a real drunken raconteur, at least in America. It's rarer that you meet one who is so well versed in literature and history.

There is a skill to this kind of storytelling that I've always admired. I can't do it myself. If I get drunk and start telling a story I will more than likely lose my place halfway through and forget what I was talking about. It's not a coincidence that Brian was Irish (American). The oral tradition of storytelling and drunken poets and philosophers is strong in that culture.

These people are my Jesus's and Allah's and Buddhas. They have a better grip on reality because they can see how absurd it is. They appreciate great art and literature but they treat it as a thing to be shared over a beer, not some elitist crap hanging on a wall.

Speaking of elitist crap, the Pope arrives in New York next weekend. I have burned all my time off so I will be working for the whole thing. Arrrrrrgggh! Here is a New York Times article that gives you an idea of how busy I am going to be.

The busiest times in my job are always when the UN General Assembly are in town. This visit is still a week away and I see more and more new equipment being installed. It's going to be horrible............

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Have you been on Vacation? No, I've been on Holiday

Got back into New Jersey Wednesday night after a two-week trip to the UK. We left London in the lovely springtime sun only to be greeted at Newark airport by heavy rain and high winds.

By "greeted" I mean we flew around in circles above the pristine Blade-Runner-like post industrial landscape of the "Garden State" for two hours. It was one of those flights that makes you want to kiss the ground like the Pope once you step off the plane.

To digress for a minute; I wonder if they used to clean the bit of ground he was kissing? Does the Pope think that everywhere tastes like bleach and toothpaste?

"Bloody Hell, I've had a bit much bleach!" said the blue-lipped Pope.

Anyway, getting back to reality, it was one of those flights where the circling goes on just a bit longer than is comfortable. The point was definitely reached when you start wondering just how much fuel is in this flying coffin and plane crash scenes from Hollywood films come flooding back into your head like a bad Sting song. On top of that, just to make sure I was having the maximum amount of fun, it was also replete with sphincter dilating bouts of turbulence. The kind where the whole plane goes "Oooooooo aaaaaaaa" at the same time.

"Ooooooooo aaaaaaaa holy fu........."


Of course another problem, like I didn't have enough already, was that as soon as the seatbelt light came on and we all had to sit still for 2 hours, I started desperately needing a jobby. It was a good thing that the turbulence was asshole asphyxiating.

It was a fantastic trip though and great to see friends and family, however, the exchange rate on the dollar to the pound was a killer and I was forced to sell various organ parts so I could put petrol/gas in the car! My kidney is now in a jar at Knutsford services and my liver belongs to a bar in Glasgow (in case anyone of the jakeys should need a spare one).

It cost 120 dollars to fill the petrol tank!!! Americans have no idea how lucky they are. They are in for a serious future shock if they don't start looking at ways to get off their addiction to oil. It's going to hurt for sure.

Please God. I know I don't believe in you but hey, if I am wrong then I'll be happy to ask forgiveness. If you are vengeful and wrathful then you are not my God. Anyway, my prayer is please give us President Obama. The universe can't afford McCain or Clinton. Yours sincerely Evangelical Athiest.

There, let's see if it gets answered. Again, to all the folks who showed us great hospitality in the UK, thank you so much and come visit the United Snakes soon.