Have you been on Vacation? No, I've been on Holiday

Got back into New Jersey Wednesday night after a two-week trip to the UK. We left London in the lovely springtime sun only to be greeted at Newark airport by heavy rain and high winds.

By "greeted" I mean we flew around in circles above the pristine Blade-Runner-like post industrial landscape of the "Garden State" for two hours. It was one of those flights that makes you want to kiss the ground like the Pope once you step off the plane.

To digress for a minute; I wonder if they used to clean the bit of ground he was kissing? Does the Pope think that everywhere tastes like bleach and toothpaste?

"Bloody Hell, I've had a bit much bleach!" said the blue-lipped Pope.

Anyway, getting back to reality, it was one of those flights where the circling goes on just a bit longer than is comfortable. The point was definitely reached when you start wondering just how much fuel is in this flying coffin and plane crash scenes from Hollywood films come flooding back into your head like a bad Sting song. On top of that, just to make sure I was having the maximum amount of fun, it was also replete with sphincter dilating bouts of turbulence. The kind where the whole plane goes "Oooooooo aaaaaaaa" at the same time.

"Ooooooooo aaaaaaaa holy fu........."


Of course another problem, like I didn't have enough already, was that as soon as the seatbelt light came on and we all had to sit still for 2 hours, I started desperately needing a jobby. It was a good thing that the turbulence was asshole asphyxiating.

It was a fantastic trip though and great to see friends and family, however, the exchange rate on the dollar to the pound was a killer and I was forced to sell various organ parts so I could put petrol/gas in the car! My kidney is now in a jar at Knutsford services and my liver belongs to a bar in Glasgow (in case anyone of the jakeys should need a spare one).

It cost 120 dollars to fill the petrol tank!!! Americans have no idea how lucky they are. They are in for a serious future shock if they don't start looking at ways to get off their addiction to oil. It's going to hurt for sure.

Please God. I know I don't believe in you but hey, if I am wrong then I'll be happy to ask forgiveness. If you are vengeful and wrathful then you are not my God. Anyway, my prayer is please give us President Obama. The universe can't afford McCain or Clinton. Yours sincerely Evangelical Athiest.

There, let's see if it gets answered. Again, to all the folks who showed us great hospitality in the UK, thank you so much and come visit the United Snakes soon.