Life, Death and Emmigration

I had a nightmare last night - a bad one. My Mum is elderly and in hospital right now, she is in a lot of pain and says she wants to die. At the same time, Alma is 7 months pregnant and our daughter is due on July 9th (Yes everyone! We know it is a girl!).

Last night in my nightmare my Mum died and my daughter was born on the same day. My reaction was basically: "Fuck".

As a Buddhist - that is not an entirely surprising outcome - the cycle of reincarnation - it is, however, a painful one. Should I be here at the birth of my baby or back in Scotland with my Brothers and Sisters burying my Mother?

I spoke to Alma about it and she says she would send me back to Scotland and I appreciate her caring and sensitivity but at the same time I do not want to miss the birth of my daughter, I mean, how often in one lifetime does that fucking happen?

I am so torn and scared. I am sure that when the time comes I will know what to do but right now the prospect is nothing but bad news.

The idea of having a child and losing a parent has been making me evaluate the idea of mortality to the nth degree. Who are we? Why are we here? There is a song by The Flaming Lips that asks the the most obvious question ever: "Do you realise? That eveyone you know, one day, will die?"

It's such a fucked up idea but to be honest very few of us do realise! Unless you lose a best friend when you are young or you lose someone younger than yourself - only then do you get it.

For some reason it seems harder to deal with when you are 3000 miles away from the source (I can hear my Brothers and Sisters in the UK saying that they wish they were 3000 miles away from the source right now - I'm aware I have the easy ride!).

Everything I see is born out of fear and as a person who is Male and a Scotsman, "fear" is something that you are never supposed to admit to. When I moved to the other side of the the world I was filled with fear but I would have never have told anyone. My take was - "If this does not work out then I can always go back". Now 7 years later I am still on the other side of the world - I am married - we own a house - and now we have a baby on the way - there is no going back now...