Thank Fuck For TV Guardian

Please... let me swear....

TV Guardian Protects You From Naughty Speech, including "God"! From the website of TV Guardian

"Q: How does TVGuardian® work?

TVGuardian® uses TVG® patented technology from Principle Solutions, Inc. to decode and monitor the hidden closed-caption text which is made available for the hearing impaired. Each word is checked against a dictionary of more than 150 offensive words and phrases. When a foul word or phrase is detected, TVGuardian® automatically mutes the offensive language. You can even set TVG® to show you the silenced phrase in text form, but without the offensive words. Simply set the CC Mode to On Mute or On Always and phrases like "move your @#$" will be muted and "move your tail" will be displayed. You don't miss a thing.

Q: Why does TVGuardian® mute the phrase instead of just the offensive word?

TVGuardian® mutes the entire offensive phrase instead of just the word and displays the modified text, by design. It's too easy to fill in the blanks in your mind when only a single word is muted. Displaying the profanity free text version of the muted phrase makes your eyes focus on the text instead of the lips. The TVGuardian® method makes it more difficult to know what word caused the mute.

Q: Does TVGuardian® work with all TV Shows, Videos and DVDs?

TVGuardian® works with virtually all pre-scripted TV shows and DVD and VHS videos. TVGuardian® will not work with live programs, such as news, sporting events, talk shows, and day time dramas.

Q: Does TVGuardian® filter 'god' when used as an expletive?

When the Religious wordset is turned on, TVGuardian® filters all vain references to deity. To watch a religious program, you may want to turn this wordset off."

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, thank G*d for TV Guardian!! So you can still watch Terminator or Rambo without worrying that your cute little kid will be swearing when he blows his classmate's head off. G*d Bless America.

Movin' on

Crawl into work bleary eyed after 5 days visiting my Brother in Vancouver, wonder why the hell my Wife and I live in New York. Vancouver has so much space, it is so much cheaper, it is cleaner, the scenery is better and the people are friendlier. On the drive back to the house from JFK airport we got cut off twice by fuckwits practicing fuckwittery in their SUV's then we spent 30 minutes driving past our house looking for a parking space, at one point it seemed like we had passed the house so many times that we were scoping it out so we could case the joint!

Ah, New York has a lot going for it, please don't get me wrong - I love the place and I love living here. It's just not the easiest place to live sometimes.

I haven't been able to write much lately because of a lot of crap going on in my life - the biggest part of which is the fact that I am getting laid off on December 1st. This was a bit out of the blue but no real big deal - for me that is, a lot of my friends at work have been here for 15 years or more, I feel terrible for them. Why is it not a big deal for me? Well, to be honest, not only was I sick of my job and bored, I was also going to be laid off by my handicap in a few years anyway. Working in television is not exactly the perfect gig for a guy going blind!

Also, I'm sick of seeing the same faces on my hour-an-a-half bus ride every morning.

Faces that include an Asian guy with Downs-syndrome who punches me in the stomach just when I'm least expecting it as his friendly way of saying "hello". I've tried to explain to him that I don't always notice him because not only am I blind, it is also 5.30AM and my cognitive functions generally don't wake up until 6AM. He always thinks I'm joking when I go "OOOOFF!", one day I'm gonna punch him back but I'll probably hit the wrong guy.

Faces that include the hardcore Jewish guy who won't sit down and uses the back exit door of the bus as his personal wailing wall. Head-banging away over his copy of the Tora and reciting prayers to the "stop the bus" bell I always want to chuck him off, not because he's Jewish but because He's a religious nutter... and probably a ZZ Top fan.

Faces that include the guy with "The Park Slope Food Coop" bags (the same food coop I belong to) who gets on with a granny cart filled with evil smelling soups and reads books like "The Purpose Driven Life". He might lead a purpose driven life but his soups smell like cabbage that has been pickled in somebody's arse.

Anyway, I'm sure these people look at me and think I'm just the idiot with annoyingly loud Ipod who likes to creepily stare into space.

So the rut is over, however It's still a rut I managed to lie in for 5 years and it's a wee bit intimidating to think that I have to move on and lose some of the security that having a steady paycheck brings. At the same time though, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I've been handed an opportunity to do make some positive changes in my life. The end of one cycle of my life and the beginning of a new one.

Gorgeous George

God Bless George Galloway. No matter what you think about the guy - and he is far from a saint - I had to admit that watching his testominy in front of the US Senate yesterday was spine-tinglingly fantastic! This country is so used to having meek little sheep to push around and bully that they were completely unrepared for Gorgeous George and his Glasgow-kiss attitude. It was hilarious. In case you missed it you can read some of the transcript here and there is a link where you can watch the entire testimony on video here.

The other great thing about all of this is that it made a big splash in the US media and suddenly the FAUX (FOX) News watching Sheeple were alerted to the fact that there may be people out there who disagree with US policy and that they may even live in Tony Blair's little green Angloshire. Previously the FAUX people were ranting about how Blair was the first Labour Leader to get elected 3 times and that his friendship with Herr Hitbush was a great factor in his continuing popularity. Obviously he was elected with a much smaller majority but that is to be expected for someone who has been in power as long as him. I'm not kidding when I say I watch the American news sometimes and I'm picking my jaw up off the floor at some of the shite they claim is true!

I want to become a sponge!

Going to the movies is a strange experience for me these days akin to being kept in solitary at Abu Ghraib. Sensory deprivation is the order of the day.

Firstly, the trials and tribulations my poor Alma has to go through just to get me to a seat that doesn't already have a 300-pound Jabba-the-fat creature sitting in it. I have to sit right in the back row to make any sense of the screen at all and if you could watch me climb around in the dark you would see me as some mad character from Hansel and Gretal leaving a thick trail of popcorn from the door to my seat.

After sitting in Jabba's crotch I find myself looking at a giant white blur a.k.a "the screen". My visual field is the size of a plum and in order to follow a film my eyes have to dart all over the place trying to keep up with the action. 15 minutes into any film, even a great one, I get tired of all the darting around and settle on one part of the screen thereby missing half of what's going on. It's not too comforting to know that my plum is slowly turning into a grape.

It was for these reasons that I stopped going to the movies for a year or two but recently I've had a change of heart. I've come to realise that my disabilities are taking things that I enjoy away from me as it is, there is no reason for me to prematurely add to that pile of debris. A pile that incidentally includes: driving, night-clubs, dark bars, meandering through the city, and some types of theater.

When I came to this realisation a few weeks ago I knew that I wanted to apply this to all kinds of media that I may have a limited time with. Alma and I have been to the movies once a week since, I have two books on the go at any one time and I am looking to absorb as many stories and images as I can in the next few years.