Working it out

Since my Mum died I'm still trying to express myself in words and they are not coming out right - I go through mood swings that lurch drastically from a benign sadness to tears in the street. I am walking along feeling okay then someone says something or a song is playing on my headphones, it reminds me of something and a lump wells up in my throat. Most of the time I could not tell you what that something is.

Life is sad at the moment but I know it will be happy again, it's just a case of moving on. I remember when my Dad passed away I was 9 years old and the very day he passed I went out and played football with my friends - it meant nothing to me, death is not real when you are 9. It was probably a month later and I was walking down the street in St Andrews with my Mum and for no apparent reason I burst into tears - suddenly I knew that I was never going to see him again.

I had this feeling last week as I sat in my living room with the phone in my hand wondering who the hell to call! My once a week (admittedly depressing) phonecall to my Mum in Scotland had become a kind of anchor that kept me rooted and now the anchor has been raised and I was drifting.

This feeling has kind of set in with a lot of things - rootlessness (is that a word?) - when both your parents are dead you are suddenly a complete adult. Theoretically you no longer have to answer to anyone but yourself. The umbilical chord is finally, well and truly, cut.