Getting feeling back

Last night Alma and I stopped on the NJ side of the river and sat staring at the skyline for a while. It was hot and sticky and Manhattan rose out of the steam like the buildings in Terry Gilliam's movie Brazil.

The magnitude of Manhattan hits you more on the NJ side of the harbor as you are looking at it directly side on, not from the bottom point like you are in Brooklyn. The whole place is revealed in wide-screen splendor and it is impressive!

I would normally be yapping about what an amazing sight it is but last night they looked just like buildings, impermanent lumps of rock adorned with fairy lights.

I am feeling numb at the moment and I have a raging internal debate going on over wether this is a good thing or not. Don't they say that it is better to feel something, even if it is anger or grief, than to feel nothing at all? At the same time, the numbness is what keeps me getting up in the morning and gets me through the work day without telling people to "fuck off".

People say the strangest things when your Mum dies, mostly expressions of sympathy, but one guy, who admittedly has a gift for putting his foot in his mouth, said to me: "Well sometimes these things can be a good experience!".

'A Good experience" has been ricocheting around in my head ever since and I have been suppressing the desire to scream at this guy "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?". An experience maybe... a good one? No.....

Maybe I am not so numb after all. On the other end of the spectrum I feel so fragile. My ability to ignore bullshit has gone out the window and I feel raw.