McMills & Boon

Okay so Mills & Boon are a load of shite (I know because I was forced to read one for a "Critical Analysis of Text" class when I was at college, not because I like to read about strapping hunky rich men and horny underclass women getting it on!) but this article in the Scotsman made me laugh! It seems American readers are into hunky Scotsman that live in castles and have a large salami in their kilts! It's all true I swear! Anyway I thought, anyone can do this:

"As Lord McHardick pulled out of the driveway of his tall stone tower at Couchnocker. There was a quick spurt from his hard rubber tires as his kilt flapped in the wind blowing through his BMW convertable. Miss Emily Faintalot sighed dreamily as she imagined what she could do if she could just persuade him to leave Dolly.

"It'll never happen" realised Emily as she was just a servant girl, Dolly was a 5 time Sheep of the Year Gold Medalist! "How can I compete with that!" thought Emily Faintalot.

Later that afternoon when Lord McHardick had finished hunting the Loch Ness Monster in his 200 ft Schooner equiped with the latest radar gadgets and the biggest shiniest harpoon Scotland had ever seen. He jumped ashore, ripped off his shirt and sprinted across the glen not minding the hard bracken and heather that was tearing at his athletic legs beneath the kilt. He waved heartily to the friendly shepards Ben Doon and Phil McCraken whilst at the same time taking a wee nip of whiskey from the flask in his sporran.

It was a quick run to where he had parked the BMW. It was time to visit Dolly, she had to be given her daily massage, you don't get to be a 5 time gold medalist just by standing around in a field filled with other sheep you know! Because of this McHardick had given Dolly her own 100 acre field to saunter around in and seperated her from all the other sheep. Despite this however, Dolly had been depressed lately - he could tell because she hadn't tried to bite him lately when he was massaging her from behind. It occured to McHardick that maybe all she needed was a female friend to hang out with, none of those dam rams that had caused him so much trouble in the past".

Yadda yadda yadda and so on and on until Dolly ends up in a Scotch Pie down the Scotia Bar and Emily Faintalot becomes Lady McHardick (although she later changes her name to Emily Screamalot after a long protracted divorce in which she wins control of Counchnocker). Lord McHardick moves out to a croft on the land that was formerly his and starts a relationship with Dolly's sister Molly.