Thoughts on Florida

Florida is the real USA. The whole state is on a mission to cut down every tree and drain every swamp in the name of ugly real estate and big cars. The laugh of it is - every new development you see is usually named after an animal that lived in the habitat the developer slashed and burned to build "Falcon Towers" or "Manatee Crescent", you can bet those animals are long gone....

What's left of the wildlife in FL is amazing though: alligators, wild pigs, turtles, eagles, vultures, pelicans, sharks, frogs, snakes; all call the state home. The human wildlife is pretty amazing too! Dumb Fucks that drive at 35mph in the fast lane and brake every 30 seconds, Old biddies that run you down with their shopping carts in the supermarket because you are not entitled with age, Trailer Park Trash, Hells Angels, Spring-Breakers, Jesus-Freak-Holy-Rollers, Survivalists (we saw a family of two kids and two adults in camouflage, armed to the teeth, walking off into the Everglades), KKK, and plenty of Pro-Lifers (this is an independent study of mine based on bumper stickers, not an official study endorsed by anyone other than Me!).

There are almost no towns in Florida, everything begins and ends with a strip-mall and one of the before mentioned "Bald Eagle Condos" sub-divisions that will include a country club and spa (in case you want to get your leathery sun-damaged skin stretched like a balloon and pinned to the back of your head). Everyone drives SUV's or Minivans or Hummer's. I loved the sunshine in Flori-DUH but I hated the vibe of the State.

It seemed almost like a depressing glimpse of the future. If we all keep shopping at Squallmart and ignore the little Mom and Pop businesses around us, we can all expect to be driving to the Freedom Mall soon enough.