Are you Jewish?

I guess it's my own fault. I tend not to shave during the winter as the bushy beard is a good protector against the freezing temperatures. Unfortunately thanks to my DNA, my beard tends to be patchy and looks like I am being forced to grow it because I am a member of a beard-friendly religious cult.

So why was I surprised when I left work the other day at 1230 in the morning and a hasidic Jewish guy comes up to me and asks "Are you Jewish?".

"No" I obviously replied, wondering why I am being approached by a man dressed in a black jacket and black fedora with a big but patchy beard like mine and ponytails. Normally, this alone is a disturbing image for me but after midnight it is unthinkable. I was never a ZZ Top fan.

"Are you sure?" he said.

Now I was stumped. Am I sure I am not jewish? My name is David, I have a patchy, forced looking beard and I have been circumcised. Maybe I am Jewish!

"No, I'm sure".

"Okay, have a nice weekend!".

What? If I was Jewish would it get me entry to the Hasidic guide dog association or something? No need for us chosen people to be stumbling around blindly in the dark. I mention this because being blind is the usual reason people approach me, not my religious persuasion! What other goodies does being Jewish entitle Me to? All I know is that being raised Catholic entitled you to free lesson in guilt and if you are exceptionally lucky, a free trip to Lourdes, or Knock, or wherever the Blessed Virgin is appearing in concert this year!

Speaking of religion and virgins by the way, does anyone other than Me think that it is strange that fundamentalist Muslims believe you are entitled to 72 virgins if you die a martyr? I'm kind of thinking that would be a helluva lot of work, deflowering all those people. Also, is it mentioned anyhwre if they are male or female virgins? What happens, if your average mad bastard fundamentalist blows himself to smithereens and wakes up in heaven and the scene is called "Adam and Steve's Virgin Megastore". I'm not sure homosexual virgins sit comfortably within this religious zealotry.

Doncha religious people just love me???????